didnt i tell you the only way

to judicious clanging clamor

was up and the only way out,

through and the only way

to visit, in my dreams oh my you.

you follow stealthily and without

apprehension. i lead fearfully

and with much great thought

and many calories in this,

my steaming cup of melted butter.

but its only fat soluable and

its the only way to disguise the

nature of my longings and

its amazing how little of me

you would accept if you truly

knew. but it was you all the time

and you seemed to be content

with leaving it that way and i

was always a sucker for your advances

and your razor-blade smile.

and i find that i am dreaming

of you more than ever and i

find my cannabis coffee unable

to sufficiently sponge your face

or expunge your name.

---

if i could find just one pretty copper

likeness to seal in a jar and mail to

you—i would. and if it werent for

the postage (for i shall be in canada

inquiring about a certain mrs mcdonald

of sault ste marie and of

tweed and german chocolate cake

and everything else i remember of that

day. that day that they refuse to admit

came in 1980. (though two years seperate

me from it) i still have this sort

of vivid memory of a jop though

i know i couldnt have been there

(but my elder sister most

certainly was!)

and i suppose you always hated

me for the vividness of my dreams

and the sacredness of my memories

and the overall ability to function as a unit

in a system you know practically

nothing about. but its getting colder

and i pray youve wrapped a scarf

i shall be wrapping one for you

very soon though you shall never see

it. it shall be of woven hemp.

---

and it shall bear words of healing

and sacred words and words

of trust and confidence whose meaning

you probably cannot reckon with

but the ashes shall be blown

generally and for you and i

have named her (mycandle)

for you and in her blackness she

shall struggle for the light but

i shall not let her go

until she is melted

much how you wouldnt let me

go till something drastic like this

occurred leaving me helpless

and lonely and awoken at 3am in tears.

i was without comfort this cold

december morning—no body

to body up with i was left with a

shiver and an empty sort of knowing

thats the worst kind to posess.

and though i have been wanting

\ths solitude for so long

i am awoken by dreams and

now it seems that even now

i cannot escape from you.